Wanting makes the Desire alive

This time I won’t go kicking and screaming. This time I’ll just know. And if I don’t it won’t matter, because at one point I will. My distance from that knowing grows larger and smaller, depending on the day.

But, it’s not the distance that matters. For distance implies a route to your desires. You are not without them. You, who want things. Remember to have them. Even the wanting is yours. That is a certain kind of ownership. That is not being empty-handed. Because to want, I believe is to assume you will have. In some reality, you have won. And in this one, you are getting sneak peeks and glances — as premonitions, as hopes, as wants, as visions, as dreams. As things you try to convince yourself you don’t need.

But I need.

And I am not afraid to want.

To speak out my desires and call to them, so they hear me and come closer. How would they know I was looking for them if I never called out to see if they were there? And I don’t mean by screaming for days on end, I mean like a mother calling out for her daughter to come inside and eat, because dinner is ready, and we’ve prepared this beautiful meal just for you.

That’s how I live and perhaps even wait. I make a beautiful offering and I call my desires by each of their names. I have given them names so they know I exist. And how I am the one calling for them.

If they don’t come today, I’ll roll up the mat, and place the food outside for the birds. And tomorrow we will try again.

I’ve given up a lot of things by wishing. Because wishing doesn’t require much. And if you don’t end up giving, you’ll lose. It’s taken a lot for me to understand how to speak up, how to be a normal human being. How to have wants and be okay with them. Without bottling them up waiting for someone to ask the right things, so that they can come alive.

I’ve learned you have to live with the fires. You have to cook for them and teach them how to breathe. Give them a life just like you. Everything you want just wants to be remembered.