The One Pure Thing
I think I know what was wrong or what has been wrong or what has been plaguing me. It’s the fact that I was trying to make my writing into something. Specifically and honestly, into something pure. Knowing that anything pure cannot try to be pure. It just must be. You can’t try for it to happen. Even now it’s happening, my trying. I’m trying to reach for the one pure thing. Knowing that purity is something that just happens when you’re nestled in the truth. And by trying, just by trying, you’ll miss it.
Why do I try to be anything when I don’t like anything that tries? Too hard that is. I like things — no, I love things that are just what they are. In some demented way they can’t keep their truth hiding. I think I try to hide my truth all the time. Like just all the time. I’m so tired of that. And it’s crazy because there are so many truths I, we, have to realize about ourselves. I have realized older truths and freed myself of them by allowing them to sink off of me like jewels. But there are these other truths, one’s that I cannot locate, or perhaps I’m just too afraid to look. Look them straight in the eyes and say that is mine, that is a truth that has come from me. Some truths are too hard to grasp. Or so heavy they might break my spine. Or will change the way I walk. Some truths will make you have to change everything. And sometimes you aren’t ready for that change. Or you are. Or you will be.
Where am I now?
I just don’t know.
Purity in itself is a lack. It’s something you have to admit you don’t have. Then like our oxymoronic lives, purity will come soaring back into you. You have to lose the thing you want. You have to learn to exist without it. There are so many things I want that I am teaching myself how to not have. So many nameless truths I don’t know how to let go of. Because if I give them a name, I have to look at them, and I have to know. I have to know they came from me. Then I have to make an educated decision on what I will call them so that they can enter the world. And sometimes that’s just too much. Because then everything will have to change.
Maybe I do want everything to change. But does it always have to come from the inside? Can a change, that I want to happen, rustle and break from the physicality around me? Can the earth move me into change?
Or do I, like the center of a being, have to move the earth?