Selections of Thought + A Warning

the spiral is binding

Photo by Adrian Martin

My capacity for forgetfulness never ceases to amaze me. How I can live, then by tomorrow, all is erased. Years of my life swept clean for the admonishment of a new day. Why is that? What is this programming planted in my body that resets me? Am I here to forget or become something new? Can those be achieved at the same time? Or do they depend on one another? Foolish questions. I’m taking too much time away from the real things. I wonder if we’re all wasting time, energy, soulfulness, by being plugged into the internet. I am fascinated by machines but are they to be treated like a body part? Do I need my computer screen like I need my legs? I’m starting to think i do. 

I wonder about humanity. The stillness of the ego. We forget we’re born from animals then curse ourselves when we think out of instinct. I’ve realized most of my thoughts come from sex - the pursuit of it or otherwise. The sanctity of children. Birth, imminent and waiting. Callous in its search for a host. 

There are several stages of womanhood. I am entering a new volume, it seems. No, rather — I’m sure. I’m quite sure of it. It may seem like I’m talking in circles but it’s only to remind you of the nature of our lives. There is no clarified point A to point B. A meets X meets B meets Z. 

I am so afraid of something, but I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want you to suffer like me. Yet, I’m wary of my restraint. It will only be a matter of time before I start to bleed through the page. Thus, here is my warning to you. Before these fears devour my language, here is your ticket out. You may leave now and never return to read these pages. Whatever may have drawn you to my work will only be expelled now for what fruits are next to bear. These words of my heart come hanging, but they must fall. And beneath, they rot. That is our next world. 

Now, for those of you who wish to stay, we begin our waiting game. The wait for my heart to turn black. For its ink to spill and etch. Leading us to a foreign path. I fear such darkness but with you joining me I feel less wary. So for now, we wait. 

As God

is getting closer.