On Value
If you are here, reading this right now, I want to thank you. You have given value to something in my life that has unlocked chambers of myself that I have been searching for, for years. You have helped me experience something I did not know existed before.
Though unfortunately, I am realizing, that I have not been giving myself this same value.
Writing has always been an escape for me. Something I accidentally stumbled upon years ago during a tough year of relentless auditioning and juggling struggling actress jobs. It was somewhere I could go and experience something better. I could spill myself onto a page and watch a new reflection glimmer. My voice was always so strong with a pen, something I have struggled with extensively in my real life.
I have shelved my acting career in pursuit of something else. It’s not that I’m not an actress anymore or that I don’t want to do it, but quite frankly, something is pulling me further from it. The industry that is. Something is pulling me away from asking to be chosen. I have spent a year wondering what it is I should do. If I should shift the immense weight and desires from acting, into writing. Should that be my new thing? I have struggled with this. Because yes and no.
Yes, because here is where I am the most free. It is where life makes the most sense and comes the easiest. Which is funny, because it’s the one place I can make the least amount of sense possible.
However, no, because the moment I put an expectation on this work, or a parameter, or some guideline of success, some metric — the freedom disappears.
It perplexes me. Why is my voice asking me to work alone? Or maybe not work alone, but why is it asking to be the most free? Why is it demanding the most amount of freedom possible? I don’t know, but as these days are passing, it is becoming clearer and clearer that I can’t avoid it.
Writing has given a value to me that has opened my life into an unlimited series of chambers, all of which sear and glow. Though, I have not given that value any precedence. It is becoming more and more clear that this is something I must feed and not shy away from. That this is not a side-hustle, or just a hobby — this is my life. And I must give it that importance because of what it has given to me internally. It has enriched me to the brim. Nothing in my life has made me feel like this. Nothing in my life has touched me more than you saying you have felt what these words mean.
So, to spare you my emotional display — I could really talk about this forever — I’m announcing that today I will be opening a paid subscription option for Electric Blue. When I first started this Substack, I could not even fathom having a paid option. It all felt so uncomfortable to me. But, also, I wanted my words to remain free. Chain-less. Without any expectation to deliver. However, I am understanding now that I have mistaken what going paid could mean.
The intention that I am bringing to it, is that this is me devoting fully and unequivocally to this practice. It will not be sold short or dismembered. I am giving value to the institution of this work because it is too important to me not to.
(I also need to survive)
Thus, starting today you have the option of becoming a paid subscriber of Electric Blue. Don’t worry, my main posts will remain free and accessible. But, for subscribers, you will get an in-depth look at a more personal style of my writing. More unfiltered. Deviant. Sublime. Being more candid with my personal life. I’ll have an official announcement of what’s to come this week. But, I wanted to let you in on this before I do.
If you’re able to support me that would be incredible, but if not, I am still so touched you are here. Every new subscriber I get I can’t believe my eyes. Thank you for believing in this void.
Also, new logo change!!!! Electric Blue is becoming its own city.
xxxx
Halleta