hurry up and get the shitty version done with

on how to work *with* your procrastination

I’m a master procrastinator. I am simply just a master at it. I will dream and dream and dream away of a perfect scenario, a perfect project, or a perfect book, and then do virtually nothing to accomplish it. I’ve gotten better over the years, but for the most part, this is unfortunately my default mode.

I’m in a perpetual state of dreaming of “The Perfect Version” of something...

Lately, the reality of time has been hitting me. Now, that I give 40 hours of my life away to a job outside of my passions per week, I am much more cognizant of it. I am seeing how time slips through my fingers. How scrolling an extra 30 minutes in the morning, robs me of 30 minutes of writing. How saying yes to a social activity I’m not particularly ecstatic about, will take precious time away from me connecting to myself.

Time. There really is so much of it. If you don’t let it spill from your fingertips. Like money these days, I am conscious of every minute spent. I hold all the minutes like bills in a taut, nearly overflowing wallet.

Though as I refresh my relationship with time, I am now observing more sharply my ugly procrastination habits!

I set aside time to write, and suddenly, my hands are fishing for my phone. Suddenly, my body weighs one thousand pounds. Suddenly, I can’t see. Suddenly, I’m starving. Suddenly, I need to go to the grocery store, for literally no reason.

After, a particularly debilitating round of procrastination, I came to realize….why do I keep denying that this phenomenon will exist?….I know myself……I know this part of me.……why keep denying it?

Then, an idea poured into my head.

Why not work with the procrastination instead of against it?

Instead of resisting,

why not coax it?

Make a deal with it.

"If you churn out one shitty version of what you need to get done, I’ll let you get back to….whatever it is you’re doing”, I tell my procrastinating self.

Kicking her feet, huffing, being super needy and weird, she obliges. She gets done the a shitty version of the thing. She runs back to her phone.

But suddenly, some kind of heaviness is lifted. Some kind of hope appears. Instead of being bogged about how I need to make “The Perfect Version” of something, I focus on cranking out some shitty version that actually somewhat symbolizes a good starting framework. Then from there, I ask myself to do another shitty version, to clean up what I worked on before — and so on, and so forth, until suddenly, something is completed. Suddenly, something is shining. Suddenly, something actualizes from the ether.

I’m starting to think of projects or freelance assignments or really anything in life, as procrastination rounds. Like, this certain project will probably take me 3 to 4 rounds of procrastinating and pumping shitty versions out, until something comes out sparking and clean.

To tell you the truth, it’s making my world feel more possible. I am truly afflicted by dreaming very, very big. I have grandiose ideas. And those ideas impale me. But, looking at my ideas as really shitty versions of themselves actually kind of excites me. It excites me to get done really shitty version of my projects! Like, yes! Let’s get going! Because what ends up happening is you just start moving. And when you start getting in the motion, you can’t not look after yourself. You can’t not want the good version to exist. In fact, it’s programmed inside of you to look for it. But, you need the shitty version first. You can’t expect the perfect version to come out instantly, it doesn’t work that way. I’m sure this is probably obvious to some of you but it bears repeating. Because, I felt I understood these things by concept, but in action I was not doing them. I was expecting too much of myself. Not understanding, the shitty version of things is where you actually thrive. It’s where your eye for designing the finished product creates itself.

“The Perfect Version” is a result from the rubble.

It honestly makes me look at my own life and the way lately I have been judging myself. Thinking of how I’m in my early 30s and I’m working alongside 20 year olds at some retail job. It makes me wonder if I did something wrong along the way. If I missed a mark at some point. But, I know those things aren’t true. I know I’m just getting the shitty version of my reality out of the way.

I’m in the design process.